Somebody is seriously getting on my nerves and it isn’t my ex. It’s someone else’s ex, Cathy Meyer. I’ve written about her work before, about her opinion that divorce should be made more difficult to come by, a change which would have made the suck-iest years of my life significantly worse.
Now, over at Divorced Women Online, Ms. Meyer is poking at fellow blogger, Molly Monet, whose work I have found inspiring. I’ll wager Meyer didn’t drop Ms. Monet an email before diss’ing her on the interwebs either. (Note: Cathy was indignant that I didn’t do this before posting the piece linked above and I dropped her a line before publishing this one. I don’t especially want anymore ‘shame on you, Annie’ comments.)
Cathy Meyer has taken issue with Molly Monet over a piece she wrote for the Huffington Post Divorce Section. Monet’s blog, Postcards from a Peaceful Divorce has been an inspiration to me as I plod along here, trying to give my ugly old traveling companion, bitterness, the slip. It sounds twisted, but the truth is: I have a bad case of divorce envy. I envy Molly Monet’s divorce.
People split up, it happens. One spouse or the other or both have a change of heart, they grow apart, or just discover they married the wrong person or for the wrong reason or whatever. The reasons seem so important at the time, but the truth is: split happens. Then what? I have come to feel that all those statistics that show the lousy impact of divorce on children are a result of the ensuing animosity, conflict, and insecurity—not divorce itself.
Ms. Monet and her ex co-parent effectively. They have family dinners together with their kids. They take family vacations and they have pretty well agreed that those with whom they romantically engage in the future will have to be cool with that, else it’s a deal-breaker. Ms. Monet and her former spouse have found a way to honor one another’s needs and not at the expense of the children. Frankly, if the end of a love comes, this is the way things should be done. Molly Monet is offering a fundamentally new paradigm here—a peaceful divorce. How cool is that?
Molly has been called naive, and maybe she is, or maybe she is just a good, introspective, hard-thinking, hard-working woman who chose a good man back when she married. She had faith in him and herself and together, they have forged a new kind of modern family. The world could use more people with her brand of naivete.
Molly Monet has never said that all future-former couples can pull this thing off. You have to have the ingredients to make the cake. Cathy Meyer didn’t have them and neither did I. It takes two committed parties. It takes trust, faith, commitment, and goodwill; fragile components that are nearly impossible to restore once damaged. Indeed, this is the sort of damage that is often the cause of the divorce itself. One thing is clear—once one party picks up the sword and shield, the war is on, and if you find yourself there, you had better get your best back room boys to start cooking up your own bitsy big boy boomeroo, but “…be careful. Oh Gee. Who’s going to drop it? Will you? Or will he?”* (War is bad for children and other living things, remember?)
Molly Monet encourages us to remain ever-engaged in the hard work of diplomacy. That is sound advice, however ugly things get. We should remain calm, think clearly, act and not react, and think intentionally about how things affect our children. That doesn’t seem so controversial. So why does Cathy Meyer have her undies in a bunch? When I first read Molly Monet’s voice over at Huffpo Divorce months ago, my undies bunched, too. It prompted some serious self-reflection. I realized the reason her new paradigm bugged me was because I also had a part in perpetuating the high-conflict nature of my own divorce. Molly’s work made me feel guilty, like she was pointing a stern blaming finger at me, telling me I hadn’t worked hard enough at peacemaking. Had she been, she would have been right.
I am still at war with my ex. I am still fighting, but now, I am genuinely fighting on behalf of the kids, and not for some pound of flesh. I no longer see my ex as someone hate-worthy. He is worthy of pity. (That is about as close to forgiveness as I am likely to come for now.) My Ex may never lay aside enmity. That is something I can do little about. The only thing I can do in all this, is try to govern myself with compassion, and to be a decent, if imperfect, individual. Molly Monet’s work edges me forward, which may not bring me a peaceable relationship with my ex, but it does inspire me to be a better human being in all this, and to do the hard work of healing my own wounded soul.
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*From The Butter Battle Book by Dr. Suess
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I love Molly's blog, but let's face it, touchy feely divorce doesn't happen often. Good for her that it does for her, but for the rest of us with envy for a co-parent who is there and the fact that they can speak in public is like watching the couple who is so in love you can't stand to look at them without getting a toothache.
I haven't read Cathy's blogpost, but I respect her greatly as a writer and a personal friend. Her divorce was not nice. She, like most of us are in the same boat of having the non-responsive ex who really could care less about the kids.
I love that Molly does what she does and that Cathy does what she does, I think we should all just get along. After all, we all play for the same team….the team of divorced women.
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I agree that we all find ourselves in similar situations, however, some of the perspectives Ms. Meyer advances are not in the interest of other divorced women. We should all be on the same human team. That doesn't mean that we shouldn't challenge one another to think more and do better.
First of all, thanks to Annie for your kind and touching words. My hope is to inspire people not make them feel guilty.
I do have to make one point, which I think is an important one. None of us feel anything that we do not choose to feel. That is something that I had to leave behind when my husband and I broke up. I blamed him for my unhappiness and then I started to blame him for my loss. I started to feel like a victim. But you know what? A good friend of mine reminded me not to make myself and victim and she was right. I am the only one who can choose that for myself. He had no power to do that to me.
So I can't make anyone feel guilty that doesn't choose to. Nor would I want to. My message is peace, love and understanding, and while that may seem naive and touchy feely, as Lee said, it has paid off great dividends for me and my family. If I can give anyone hope that this is also possible for them, then I am thrilled.
I agree with Lee, and I said this on the Huffington Post. Instead of reproducing the kind of conflict that is typical of divorce, we should respect and welcome each other's opinions. I certainly regret that you have had difficult divorces, and I greatly respect the work that you do helping others with theirs. Who knew we'd be Team Divorce?
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[...] with time my harmonious post-divorce family would dissolve, leaving me blind-sided and bereft. The Bitter Divorcee rushed to my defense against Ms. Meyer and said that while my approach had made her envious at [...]
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Just so we are clear…I don't think or ever said it was naive. Touchy feely in the fact that most divorces are NOT that way. And, as far as getting a toothache, although you love to hate those couples that fare well, let's face it, we all wish we could be them!
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I get it, Lee. Annie called me naive. I take no offense. In fact, I guess I'd rather be the one who everyone is jealous of.
But let's face it, we are still talking about divorce. We may be doing a peaceful job of it, but it still has its downsides.
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[...] There is even a bitter divorcee [...]
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