On Unicorns and Rainbows

“That post didn’t show you in the best light,” he said.

You know what that means, Readers, right? It means: I didn’t like what you wrote. (Over yesterday’s angry rant.)

And it’s all right now (yeah)
I learned my lesson well
You see, ya can’t please everyone
So you got to please yourself —Ricky Nelson

Annie! Rainbows and unicorns, baby. What gives with that bitter, cursing, downer tripe? I mean, I get that it’s “authentic,” but really? Are you sure you want that on the interwebz?

My critic was well-intended, probably protective, and most concerned over the airing of dirty laundry that may humiliate me.  Kindest Man points out that what I am doing, “… is to report emotions veritas, not an emotional, overblown catharsis of the sort later regretted.”

“There is a difference,” KM wrote, “…between disclosure of the real and ranting about the anger. Moreover you didn’t reveal anything irrelevant or necessarily private (like the size of his dick*); in fact you shed light on things one person in particular would rather you didn’t — Ex, and which I presume you think others might benefit from hearing (as opposed to just weathering your rant with weak smiles).”

NEWSFLASH: THIS HERE AIN’T FICTION.

Real life is often messy and nearly always imperfect. Sometimes it is ugly, dear ducklings. We say and do things that are regrettable, and then—God willing—we grow wiser and do better.

I have chosen to share my life with you, Dear Readers. Sometimes there are unicorns and rainbows and I like those times best of all.

Sometimes there is angst, frustration, and confusion. Maybe you wish I would spare you the knowledge of it lest I tarnish my image. I won’t spare you. I can’t. Now that you’re in, I can’t spare you any more than I can spare myself—and I do try to spare myself. I really do.

Maybe someday there will be nothing angst-y left.  Maybe I will be able to release my attachments in the quiet of my mind in some perfect Buddhist mind-dance. I hope so. I hope you’ll be with me.

“I want happiness,” the man said.
“Remove the ‘I,’ the Buddha is said to have replied. “That is ego.”
“Remove the ‘want,” Buddha added. “That is attachment to desire.”
“What remains,” he said, “is simply ‘happiness.’”

Don’t mind me, I’m just working myself into a meditative lather in preparation for Gollum’s arrival. A gal’s got to have hobbies. Knitting; maybe I should try knitting instead? I have never met a knitter I didn’t like. It’s a meditative hobby, calming.

For now I’ll just keep dancing over broken glass and hot coals, and eventually, through fields of flowers too, maybe with some rainbows. And unicorns. I welcome you to come along to every clumsy dance practice, to duck with me into cheap studios with broken mirrors and watch me sweat and blister until I get good.

You’re here, so let’s get on with the dancing. Let’s make this one life truly worthwhile.

(By the way, I love you for showing up.)

"Advertisement showing young woman with package of Loring's Fat-Ten-U food tablets and package of Loring's Corpula, a fat-producting food." Color lithograph(There. I said it. Also, I have it on good information:  The Internet Never Forgets.)

_______________________

*You just KNOW I want to get into that dick size conversation now… The angel wins this round—No. Absolutely not going there. Ever. The Internet Never Forgets. ;-)

11 comments to On Unicorns and Rainbows

  • Tess

    I just had to pipe in on this one. I’ve had to work out my own comfort level of what I share online, and I have to say that I *admire* a writer that has the courage and impulse to share the real internal workings of someone who is working through some very emotionally wrought situations. We, as tribe animals, spend a great deal of time making ourselves socially acceptable. 98% of our lives revolve around making sure that we are valuable to our tribe: We keep jobs to make sure that we aren’t a burden, we groom ourselves pleasingly to make sure that our tribe-members find us visually and olfactory pleasing, we practice good manners and tact in social conversation…we put everything about ourselves through that social filter to ensure continued acceptance. That is the nature of a tribe a animal.

    But, the steps we take internally to *do* that are often deemed too personal to share, too damning to our carefully filtered social persona. I believe that those filters are very damned important, but I also believe that not enough people are honest with themselves about the processes that go into it. Working through anger and hurt first requires us to *feel* angry and hurt. Our core emotions are always raw at the beginning of any process.

    People, like you, who can overcome the social programming of not copping to that rawness make it easier for the rest of us to see that we aren’t some strange and awful mutant for having these feelings. You affirm the knowledge that we are just being human by feeling those things. And *that* is invaluable.

    Thank you!

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    • Tess, what a thoughtful response. Thank you. I have never consciously considered “the social filters we use to ensure continued acceptance.” We are indeed tribal animals and in mutual acceptance we find connection and meaning. <3

  • I adored your post yesterday, Annie! There is nothing whatsoever wrong with revealing the truth of how you feel. Keep up the good work and BRAVA!!!!!
    Carolyn recently posted..Patti LuPone at “54 Below Nightclub”: Beyond Fabulous!My Profile

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  • Karen Sosnoski

    Tess, above, described so well why I’ve started reading your blog since I’m not naturally interested in divorce (or even dating!) stories per se. For the reasons she mentions above, I do crave stories (and works of art, pieces of music, dances, conversations) that are raw and real. I feel more secure in the world, more optimistic about my own and my children’s place in it when I know it’s possible–if not easy–to share painful feelings and be understood (also to survive the temptation to be shamed when we are misunderstood). I also thank you!

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  • I started reading your blog PRECISELY because you’re so honest. That’s who you are. There will always be people who think you’re wrong or over the top. I struggle all the time with how much I want to reveal, which is the main reason I use a pseudonym. But you’re an original Annie. Ain’t no one else like you…except maybe Dorothy Parker and Annie Oakley. :)
    Pauline Gaines recently posted..What the Kennedy Women Can Teach Us About Deconstructing Mental IllnessMy Profile

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    • Thank you, Pauline. Your voice is among those I respect the most. Also, I will forever retain that tagline—you hit it squarely!

  • I love rainbows and unicorns, of course. I’m PollyAnna, after all! But I want you to keep it real. I want all of us to keep it real. I love you for being real, and for the permission that grants me to keep it real myself.
    PollyAnna recently posted..The Summer of JoyMy Profile

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  • Ha! I have a similar post today. Thank you for writing and sharing the good and the bad. Life is like that. Life is messy. Co-parenting sucks a good portion of the time. Sharing our innermost thoughts comes with land mines. Our real life friends know all of our stuff. Because they love us, they comment and worry. Jeez.

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  • “If you disguise this person carefully so that he cannot be recognized by the physical or professional facts of his life, you can use him in your work. And the best advice I can give you is to give him a teenie little penis so he will be less likely to come forth.” ANNE LAMOTT
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  • libbyloo76

    If all you shared were the rainbow-pooping unicorns, I probably wouldn’t be here. I mean, really… does anyone have a life like that? I’m honestly not sure I’d want to know them for fear that I’d vomit on the sweetness. Not that I wish despair on you… oh, no, never. But you keep it real. That’s why I’m here.

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